"How Exciting!"

Around the fall of 2016, I sold my Central Phx home but was still living in it - renting it back from the investor who bought the house (you know the one, the one that I never thought I'd sell!)  

During those months as a renter, I would often wake up in a panic at 1:00 or 2:00 in the morning believing the house was still up for sale and deciding to take it off the market. In those moments, I’d actually drift back to sleep under a blanket of profound sense of peace only to wake up the next morning in my sun drenched room remembering that it was too late.  The house was already sold.  I was there on borrowed time and I’d never own the house again.  Those moments felt dreadful.

The Bonanza house I'm in now never stood a chance.  It could never feel like home when it felt like I was forced to move here in the first damn place.  When the time came to say goodbye to N 14th St., I handled the chore of informing utilities and businesses of my change of address.  The conversations were always the same:  “Hi, my name is Lisa and I’m moving to a new house on Bonanza Dr…” 

“Oh, how exciting!  Congratulations!”, they’d always say.

How exciting?  Is that what I'm supposed to feel?  I didn't.  I felt a lot of things but excitement wasn't one of them. It was always with sorrow that I would reply with a disingenuous “Yeah, thanks, appreciate that…”.   

This past year at the Bonanza house has been one of continued healing with an emphasis on feeling settled into a new life that frankly I never requested.  The healing has gone really well. Feeling settled hasn't though not from a lack of trying.  I fully immersed myself into my new life here but the sense of feeling displaced and unsettled persisted resulting in bouts of depression that were unbearable at times.  This place has tons of really bitchin’ upgrades and I'm really grateful for the house.  But it has never been home and gratitude doesn't equal contentment. 

So I embarked on the journey of house hunting though the thought of moving again was terrifying - I worried about the stress on me and my dogs, about finances and about putting my life on hold while I transitioned, once again, to a new place in hopes of finally finding some solid ground on which to begin living life fully again.

House hunting was a shit show that ate up the first quarter and some change of 2018 but it all paid off the minute I finally stepped foot into a house that immediately felt like home.   There was this amazing moment where I walked into the master bedroom and saw a beautiful grapefruit tree right outside the window.  In my mind's eye I pictured the grapefruit tree outside the bedroom window of my home on 14th St and that moment felt perfect. I dubbed the new home the "Grapefruit House".

My closing date is April 30th so in anticipation I recently called Geico to get a quote on homeowners insurance on the new house.  When I explained to the gal that I'm moving, without hesitation she exclaimed “That's exciting!  Congrats on your new house!”  

The biggest smile swept across my face.  

I closed my eyes for an instant and felt the excitement she was talking about.  I truly felt it.  And, for the first time since June of 2016, I knew that I had Finally. Friggin'. Arrived.  I had arrived at that place that I've been trying to get to since Aaron's suicide. That place of peace. Solid ground. Hope. Excitement.

"Yeah, thanks...appreciate that" I said, still grinning from ear to ear and this time my words were illuminated in truth and genuine happiness.  

Moving is chaotic and it'll take a minute to feel settled in the new house but the fact is that I will feel settled.   Eventually I will.  But, first I'll need to make some more calls and change over my utilities and inform businesses of my change of address.  Surely I'll hear it again and again...

"That's exciting!  Congrats!"

Yeah, thanks!  I appreciate that.

I actually really do.