I Stand Accused

“That doesn’t sound right.  Someone needs to look into that further....”

Matt’s friend spewed that sentiment after the explaination of the incident involving Matt's brother.  The discussion took place not long after Aaron took his life.  Matt was upset by it.

I was shocked.

I never imagined there would be speculation.  Yet literally, just some random (to me, anyway) guy in Illinois arrogantly dismissed the incident as a suicide, and effectively deemed it a homicide.

And, he made me the suspect.

I’m angry about it, still.  I don’t think about it that often, but when I do it’s a bitter pill to swallow.  My jaw clenches, my teeth grind, my face twists into a scowl and I want to punch holes in walls and scream until I lose my voice.   

Does this jack off even know Matt's brother?!  Was he here to manage the moods that covered Aaron like dark clouds drifting above depending upon which way the wind blew?  Was he here that morning?     

No.  He wasn’t.  But, I stand accused.

And, Matt’s friend isn’t the only one.

I’d eventually tell this story to Aaron’s best friend, Damon and his girlfriend.  “Oh, yeah, I’ve heard that too....you know how some cops can be”, Damon replied.

(What?!  Are you kidding me?)

Damon knows and works around a lot of police officers.  And that day over lunch, I'd learn that one of them suggested to him that perhaps things aren't what they appear.   Someone who wears the same uniform I wore for 25 years....someone I call family even if we don't personally know each other....

...one of my own judged me.  I stand accused.

But, I think I played it cool that day...hiding from Damon my sadness, confusion, anger.   Jaw clenched.  Teeth grinding...

But I couldn't help but wonder how many more brothers or sisters in blue suspect me in a homicide?

I don’t know.  

I wish I did.  I wish I could meet those who question the incident and explain with such grave detail the events that occurred so that they too might see it in their minds eye every single day like I do.  But that's a burden I've only placed on people who got paid to listen to me.

So I'm silenced.  And, I stand accused.   Jaw clenched, teeth grinding...face twisted in a scowl.

But, with my next deep inhale, I remember the countless friends who reached out to me in support; those who have poured so much love into me that my darkest days turned to light. You who are reading this - who cheer me on, encourage me and remind me that I'm never alone.  You bring me back to center.

And, with that, my jaw releases its tension, a space gives way between my teeth and my face softens as I drop to my knees in deepest gratitude that God has blessed me with the most amazing group of friends on the planet. I get up off my knees.

And, I stand....loved.

Chocolate Beginnings

I can’t seem to do it.   

It nags at me, consuming my thoughts, like an itch I can’t scratch.  I’ve tried willing it back into existence by making Face Book posts announcing to the world that I’m “officially back”.  But, in reality I’m not back.  I can’t seem to get my Isagenix business running again.  It’s frustrating because I felt unstoppable not that long ago; my momentum was strong and I loved helping friends realize their goals.

But when Aaron took his life, my nutritional business took a back seat.  As much as I try to put it back in the driver’s seat, I’m still looking at it through the rear view mirror and it keeps getting farther and farther away.  So, when I explained this to my counselor and admitted that I still want to work at least part time, she gave me homework:

“...write down three things you're most passionate about ~ don’t worry if they’re silly.  When you do what you love, it won’t be a struggle and it won't feel like work.” 

It only took me 3 seconds to write the first three things that came to mind:

1. Motorcycles
2. Fitness
3. Chocolate  

I know number 2 and 3 are at odds but admittedly, I have a small piece of dark chocolate every single day.  There were times in my life where I entertained the idea of learning how to make chocolate - my love for it runs that deep.  I’d marry chocolate if I could.

So I sat with my list, the corners of my lips curled up in a slight smile as I sunk into a day dream of what it’d be like to run my own chocolate business...

...and, then suddenly my heart and mind were flooded with ideas that did not seem to be my own.  I can’t explain it any other way other than to say that I felt as if the inspiration came from God.  

I felt He placed on my heart some specific ideas and this inspiration catapulted me out of my chair toward my laptop where I commenced research on chocolatier schools.  I poured over the internet for over an hour to the point of overwhelm.  To clear my head, I took a break from research and went to check a Face Book message but naturally got sidetracked by a marshmallow chocolate dessert tutorial which I immediately shared on my wall.

The thread received some attention and one friend commented that her son, Jason, could easily make that dessert.  After making a few more comments using fancy chocolate lingo, I asked “Is Jason a chocolate-maker-type guy?”   

“Yes.  He’s a chocolatier and has his own business here in the Valley”.

“Well, that’s interesting”, I replied.  “I was literally just researching chocolatier schools...”   

“Well, if you’re interested, we’ll hire you and teach you how to make his chocolates.”

I stared at her response in total disbelief.  One minute I’m researching chocolatier schools.  The next, I’m getting offered a job as a chocolatier.

Craziness.

So what happened next?  

My friend suggested I meet Jason at the kitchen.  So I did.  That meeting took place the morning of February 22nd.  Jason invited me back to shadow in the kitchen which happened yesterday.  I couldn't wipe the smile off my face the entire time.  

How will this whole thing end?

I dunno.   I do know that Jason invited me back again and he let me borrow a Level 1 Chocolate book to study in the meantime.  I know better than to look too far ahead into the future because things don't always go as we imagine they will.  So I'll just keep taking one step at a time. And, right now my next step is to make myself an Isagenix shake (product consumption, definitely not an issue!) and crack open my chocolate book to study some more.  

Meanwhile, did you know that milk fat is very sensitive to saponification?  Me neither. Mostly because I didn't even know what saponification meant.  I had to look it up.  And, it's a Level 1 book.

But every successful chocolatier had to start from the beginning.

Helping to make ganache in the kitchen with Jason making another recipe behind me!