Aaron, wait...

Did you know that the physiological response to stress isn’t just “fight or flight”?

There’s more.

It’s Fight, Flight or Freeze.  Go ahead...Google, it.  I’ll wait here.

I told you so.  

I didn’t believe it either.   During my first therapy session with Dr. K, inconsolable and ashamed, I admitted in the seconds after Aaron took my gun away from me, that I froze - I became an empty shell of myself.  My eyes fully functioning absorbed, in slow motion, the horror that ensued but my mind took the rest of my body hostage.  I could not open my mouth to talk.  I couldn't let out a scream.  I was unable to move.  I stood there paralyzed.  

The clock that governed my life had become inoperable yet I could still see time prevail for Aaron as I witnessed his demise.

With my head hung low, tears streaming down my cheeks, I sheepishly concluded, “I'm trained for this, I've been in fights for my life, and...I...just stood there.  I should have screamed, pushed him or fought him. Or, something."  

Dr. K. flippantly responded “You couldn’t.  You froze”.

“No fucking shit” I snapped back.

Like a fire engulfing every cell and organ in my body, I was filled with anger and shame.  Sitting on her lavender colored oversized couch, I felt as if I was covered and being eaten alive by red ants.  Every breath was painful.  I just wanted to die.

The torment, written all over my face must have alerted Dr. K to my lack of understanding about the 'freeze' response prompting her urgent explanation. Her voice softened as she explained that we freeze when our minds rule out ‘fight’ and ‘flight’ as options.  She became technical as she illustrated what processes occur in the brain concluding that once the response was activated, there wasn't anything I could do to control it.

She concluded, “Lisa...honey, you thought you were going to die.  You froze as a protective measure to make your death more peaceful.”

Her words flowed like liquid entering into every crevice in my brain.  Completely saturated, I just sat there in silence staring at her.  She sat in silence staring back at me.  "I....need a minute", I softly whispered.

I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply.  Instantly, I was transported to the moment in time that I froze in place.  I quickly opened my eyes...

“Trajectory”, I said with my head nodding ‘yes’ in agreement.

Dr. K asked me to explain.

“I was standing right next to him... I thought I was in the way of his bullet”.

“You thought you were going to die”, Dr, K said in a manner that sounded more like “case in point”.

I drove home dumbfounded that in 47 years I had never heard of the stress response in its entirety and while in session, Dr K admitted her surprise of my ignorance given my profession.  Upon arriving home, I spent hours researching the "Fight, Flight or Freeze” response on line yet in all my research - despite knowing I couldn’t do a thing about it, the guilt was relentless. 

Though I see a different therapist now, eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) therapy is helping to re-frame the events that occurred.  We break down every millisecond of the incident, stretching them out into double 90 minute sessions that this intensive work demands in an effort to turn the malignant, guilt-inducing perspective that plagues my mind into something more benign that allows me to process the information in a healthier manner.  In yesterday’s session with EMDR, I even got to picture myself moving in all the ways I wish I could have moved in that moment when I was frozen.  And, more importantly I got to speak all the words I couldn't speak in that moment that time stood still.

Aaron, wait.  Stop.  Don't do this.  I love you.  Your family loves you.  Please, just put the gun down...

Most assuredly, having a voice to speak the words I wish I could have spoken over Aaron that morning and moving in a manner that I wished I could have that fateful morning somehow bridges the gap from malignant to benign.   It helps brings a sense of closure to this infectious wound that is relunctant to heal.

After therapy, feeling lighter and more at peace than usual, I drove straight to the UPS Store where my mail is delivered.  I was excited to receive the coffee pot that I ordered.  I also had another package that I opened when I got home.  In that package was the beautiful blown glass heart shaped memorial containing Aaron's ashes.   I held the glass heart in the palm of my hand staring at the beautiful colors that swirled inside the glass.  Like grains of sand, I could tell where Aaron’s ashes were incorporated into the glass piece.  I shouldn’t be able to hold Aaron in the palm of my hand...

Those words I got to say yesterday didn't actually get spoken...  

I never got to say them directly to him.

I placed the heart memorial in the acrylic stand on a shelf in my bookcase.  I stood back staring at the piece.  

And, the wound started to fester...turning my world malignant.