Those last two words....

There exists, in all 50 states, a Survivors of Suicide (SOS) group for those of us traumatized by suicide.  Arizona has six chapters, with as little as eight or as many as twenty people in attendance.  We sit in folding chairs that have been positioned into what the facilitator calls a “Healing Circle”; a safe place to share and cry.   A tray filled with several tealight candles sits on top of a small wooden box within the center of our circle along with a book of matches.  Some light a candle in memory of their loved one. I didn’t - the thought of extinguishing the flame at the conclusion of the meeting made me sad.

Everyone in the room looked normal - I could find myself standing in line with any one of them at Sprouts.  But a woman in her early 50’s caught my attention.  She was dressed in a business suit, her I.D card tucked into the plastic sleeve attached to a black silk lanyard still around her neck; her brown hair was neatly pulled back and her accessories well thought out.  She exuded confidence.  I sat across from her in shredded jean shorts, a Harley Davidson shirt, flips and a baseball cap.  We appear different but our grief is the same.  When she spoke, her voice cracked, her lip and chin quivered...”My husband....he....committed suicide three months ago....”   I leaned forward in my seat, resting my forearms on my thighs, my hands coming together, my fingers interlocking and my head lowered, my gaze upon the ground right underneath my feet...I couldn't look her; her emotion was too penetrating.

“....he left a note...”.  

My upper body and head jolted upwards and I stared intently at the woman.  Simultaneously, I saw that my furtive movement caused some people in the room to quickly glance in my direction.  I didn’t break my stare.

She found a note.   What did it say?  What did that note say?  Tell me what the note....

“...I mean, I knew he was depressed but...since then it has been really difficult.  Our kids live out of state....”

Wait, what?  Go back....what did the note say?  

“...I found a piece of jewelry that I know his daughter would have wanted...”

She made no further mention of the note.  No one else in the room spoke about finding notes, either.  I’d learn through my own research, that a mere 32% of people who commit suicide leave notes.  

I get I was there when it happened.  I get that a note doesn’t make what occurred any more obvious.  

But, I still want a note.

The end result is the same whether I saw it happen or found him seconds after hearing the gun go off.  Regardless, some people get notes.  I'm not "some people".  His mom, dad, brother and best friend - they're also not "some people." We didn't get a note.

I still ache for his explanation.  I want to know what he would have written in a note.  I want to be able to read the words “I love you” whenever I want.  I don’t have anything physical to hold in my hands.  A note would have been the "goodbye" that I never received.

Yet, logically I know a note could have left me with more questions than answers.  And, nothing that Aaron wrote would have been justification enough to end his own life.  

But my stubborness and non-acceptance wants a damn note.  Instead, all I'm left with are the last two words he spoke prior to the gun going off...

Those last two words...which weren't "good bye".  

He Left It All Behind

He left it all behind.

Aaron left behind his cologne which I now wear every day.  It smells amazing though I fear the day the bottle runs empty in that it symbolizes yet another ending. 

His brown leather wallet detailed with tan stitching and embossed with the John 3:16 scripture verse sits on a shelf in the closet next to one of his favorite baseball hats.  His prescription glasses haven’t moved from the bedroom windowsill.  His shirts hang untouched in the closet. His boots are frozen in place on the floor. His razor has been in the same exact spot for 40 straight days.

The florescent green kayak he purchased at REI is stacked under mine in the garage.  He never drank from the Dutch Bro’s thermos which I believe he purchased the day before he died.  I eventually removed the cardboard wrapping, washed it, and placed it in the kitchen cabinet.  Every time I see it I’m reminded that when Aaron bought it, even he didn’t know he’d take his own life the following morning.   He loved Dutch Bro’s coffee. 

He also loved music, the state of Arizona, and photographing beautiful sunsets.  He had a loyal following on photography websites.  He loved going to the cabin, riding his Buell motorcycle, and hiking.  

He left it all behind.  Along with his mom, his dad, his brother, Aunts and Uncles....and his best friend in the whole world.

He left behind the the love I had for him.

The love we had for each other.

Our relationship.  Our friendship.  

Our everything....

Everything that was good in his life...

He left it all behind.

Acceptance is hard.  Trying to escape the constant itch and irritation of the questions I have to which I will never receive answers is torture. 

His decision and his absence have left me deeply sad, devastated and confused.   I continue to live in a state of sheer disbelief.   He just left so much undone, so many promises unfulfilled and plans that never came to fruition.  He just simply left it all behind.

How horrific his pain must have been to cause him to commit an act so grossly against human nature.  A pain so enormous that it consumed and eventually dismissed his will to survive.

A pain that rendered him hopeless in the moment and for the future.  He must have thought he was a burden to his loved ones.   I would bet he dreaded bedtime knowing his thoughts would haunt him and keep him awake at night when I so easily drifted off to sleep. The extreme highs and the depressing lows must have been exhausting as he fought to find neutral ground.  But I don't think he could.  Neutral ground didn’t exist for him.   The sadness, distress, torment and suffering always a returning and unwanted guest in his mind.  He fought for happiness.  He fought for stability.  It all seems so clear now.  Looking back I can tell the demons were stronger; the depression was relentless.  

And so....

he left it all behind.

Forever Changed

When you lose someone to suicide, you’re called a “survivor”.  

I never even knew the phrase “survivor of suicide” existed prior to June 23rd of this year.   

I belong to an online support group and some put “survivor” next to their name like a post-nominal title.  Instead of seeing Jane Doe, PhD and John Smith, CPA like I’m used to seeing, I spot signature lines that read “Michelle Jones, Survivor”.   

Is that what I am? 

I’m not feelin‘ it.  

Frankly, I am not surviving Aaron’s suicide very well, at all.  It’s been a living hell.  

Destroyed by Suicide might be more like it.  Or crushed.  Or forever changed...

I can’t do a damn thing in my waking hours without having Aaron on my mind.  I’m either wishing he was with me, missing him more than I’m capable of explaining, replaying the horrific events of June 23rd, or, in moments of acceptance, I’m talking to him knowing he can see and hear me while being fully aware of the inequity of my not being able to hear or see him. 

My life and the lives of those who deeply love Aaron have been completely shaken, turned upside down and shattered into a million pieces.  Life still moves forward for everyone else, but for us we’re stuck in a time warp.  We’re stuck in a place where we can’t seem to move forward despite time whizzing by like the days are in some sort of sprint, like the end of the month is some sort of finish line.

Do suicidal people get online and become aware of the term “survivor of suicide” to describe those they’ll leave behind?  Because that term seems so....pleasant.  Like, “Oh, see?  They’ll survive without me!”  I’m used to the term “survivor” to describe people who have beat cancer.  That makes sense to me. They most likely felt broken and defeated at times by their diagnosis but they overcame.  They beat the odds!  They survived and are whole again.

I don’t feel I’ll ever feel whole again; how could I after this experience and after a loss this severe?  I’m completely broken.  I won’t always feel as broken as I am today but my heart will never be whole.  Yes, I will create a new normal.  I will carry on.  But I’ll do so carrying a void I will never be able to fill.  

I think “survivors of suicide” should describe the people who contemplate or attempt suicide and are still upright today with their hearts still beating; their family and friends still able to see them, hold them and tell them how much they are loved.  Those are the real survivors of suicide.  To describe those of us left behind as survivors?  I'm just not feelin' it.  

Signed,

Lisa Ruggiero, 

Forever Changed by Suicide

From the darkness....into the light

It was like being in the ocean, getting pummeled over and over again by massive, crushing waves.  I had no energy to try to stay afloat nor could I - the ocean was that relentless.  I couldn't breathe.  Each wave came with an undercurrent that pulled me under water.  I felt like I was drowning.  

This was my life after I witnessed my boyfriend take his own on June 23, 2016. 

On 6/23, everything that once provided me joy and comfort was stripped away.  My boyfriend, who I love more than anyone on the planet, was gone.  No "goodbye's".  No "I love you's".  Just gone and in the most sudden, violent and tragic way imaginable.  

My house became a crime scene.  The bedroom in which I peacefully slept for the past 15 years was the set for the horror flick that would play in my mind at every waking moment.  My dogs were whisked away to be boarded for an undetermined amount of time.  I was whisked away, too.  For seven nights, I altnernated staying with Aaron's family or with close friends who immediately took me under their wing.  I often times woke up disoriented.  I lived out of a grocery bag. I got dressed in the same clothing I wore the entire day prior.  I never did my hair; I don't even remember caring enough to look in the mirror.

The mornings were the worst but not in that split second where the cobwebs veiled my current reality.  Instead, it was the moment the cobwebs cleared that I was catapulted back to hell on earth. For a split second things seemed normal and then I'd grieve Aaron's death, as if for the first time, all over again.  It was unbearable.  When my eyes opened to reality in the morning, I would immediately wish it was nighttime so I could close them again.  I would only sleep for four hours a night but it was a blissful unconscious freedom.  The nights were short and the days were long, though.  And, I hated being awake - every waking moment felt like torture and mental anguish.

I wanted the pain to end.

And, I thought about suicide for 16 straight days after the incident.  The literature says this is normal, especially after losing someone you love in the same way.  But it felt far from normal to me.

When you're in a seemingly inescapable hell, you'll do anything to break free.  This knowledge is why I can't stay upset with Aaron.  I know his pain and torment reached a level much bigger than his ability to cope with the onslaught of his emotions.  My anger toward Aaron always quickly turns to compassion.

For me, a day wouldn't go by where I wouldn't beg God to take me Home.  When I wasn't negotiating with Him, I was thinking of my own exit strategy.  One day the thoughts were more intense than usual  - it was the first time I had been in my room since Aaron died and I had a major melt down.  My friend Tresea just happened to text me as I was lying in a broken wreck on the floor, in the same spot Aaron drew his last breath.  She asked me what I was doing and I texted back "In my room...I'm not doing well".  She came right over and held me for over 20 minutes while I broke down in tears.  I think she saved my life that morning.

But, those kinds of moments were fleeting and my thoughts to end it all were not.   I have other guns in the house.  I could do exactly what Aaron did and be with him and my mom.  Aaron went instantly... 

...Fast forward to today.  

It's been a month and four days since Aaron died and here I am authoring a new blog entry.  I get up and shower every morning.  I wear clean clothes.  I do my hair.  I get outdoors to meet people for lunch and dinner.  I weight train.  And, I even catch myself smiling and laughing at people's jokes.

So, what happened?

The grace of God happened.  I learned that grace can live in the space we call hesitiation.  When someone says "I hesitated", it often carries with it a negative connotation.  But that slight pause in my thoughts allowed grace and then logic to enter the picture.  

I'm done, I just can't take this anymore...

...but....what would that do to Aaron's parents? - I love them so much!  What would my dear friends think?; I love them so much, too!   How can I be so sure things won't get better?  

Those are the questions that reveal themselves in moments of grace and hesitation. Those moments that hang in the balance...those few seconds that make way for the important, logical questions to follow, I believe, keep more people alive than we'll ever know.  

Looking back, I fell prey to two very big lies: 1) that I wasn't strong enough to pull through and 2) that life wasn't worth living.   I knew I no longer wanted to fall prey.  It was crushing my spirit; Satan was winning the battle.  

So I did the only thing I could think to do.  

In the early morning of July 9th, when I had finally had enough, I reached for my Bible. I retrieved some index cards and a pen out of my desk and began feverishly writing down scripture verses to help me grow stronger.  On Face Book, I posted a picture of the first 5 index cards I wrote out and asked friends to comment with their favorite verses as well.  

Many friends commented with verses.  And, I ended up with an arsenal of scripture on which to meditate when I felt weak.  A dear friend of mine would later gift me with a small photo album which included more verses in addition to sentimental photos she retrieved from my Face Book page.  She left some pockets intentionally empty so I could insert my own index cards.  Today, I carry this everywhere I go.

By the afternoon of July 9th, I felt free from suicidal thoughts, though I worried if they would return.  They never did.  I haven't had a setback since.  Sure, I believe therapy helped.  

But, God saved my life.

The reason this Blog is called Pray To Not Fall Prey is to honor the struggle that I went through in the early days but more importantly to serve as a reminder that praying and reading scripture was the light that penentrated the dark days.  (John 1:5)

Matthew 26:41-42 ~ Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.”

He went away a second time and prayed, “My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done.”

God is bigger than our doubts. He is bigger than our struggles. He is bigger than our pain.  I went through 16 days of hell but I'm grateful for the experience because it has changed me for the better.  I know the road toward healing still stretches out for miles and miles and there will be more lows than highs. But, not always.  And, I am never alone.  My friends and family provided me strength when I felt weak and God carried me when I could no longer walk.  

He is a good, good Father. It's who He is.  

SaveSave

June 23, 2016

The 23rd is represented as a tiny square among 29 other squares in my day planner for the month of June.  I know in 2016, few people use day planners.  But I do.  And, I find myself staring at the June 22nd square as if trying to find some indication of the tragic event that would reveal itself the following day.  Yet the contents of that square only serve as a reminder for the Isagenix Headquarters tour ~ an event I was excited about for weeks prior. I had wished Aaron could join me but I knew he would be working his pool route.  That evening, though, I remember telling him in great detail about the tour; what a state-of-the-art building it is and about the Harley Davidson motorcycle that is on display in the lobby, literally smack dab in the middle of a water feature, its two tires and kickstand precariously placed on individual small cement pillars that elevate the entire motorcycle above the water.

The June 23rd square in my calendar is blank.  I clearly remember Aaron asking me that morning what my plans were for the day.  "I have training at 11 at Joe's.  I want to run by the post office and check the mail, and I need to go to the Vet to get a copy of Cinnamon's vaccination records...".  I continued explaining that the place I board the dogs didn't have her current records and we'd need those for when we boarded the dogs for the Tucson trip we had scheduled for July 9th and 10th.  I was seated on the couch drinking my coffee; he was standing in the living room directly in front of me.  All seemed normal.

I wish I would have asked him what his plans were for that day.  I assumed I already knew what they were - he'd go to work and return home to me.  But that's not what happened.   And, little did I know that my plans would be nothing like what I explained to Aaron that very morning.  No. Not only did my plans change for that day but I changed.  I knew I would never be the same person I was...for all the remaining squares on every day planner I'd ever own, I would be forever changed.

Aside from the detectives who interviewed me on Thursday morning, only my therapist and two other people know in grave detail what transpired on the 23rd.  I knew I needed to talk about it.  Lord knows my brain wouldn't stop playing the events over and over and over again in my minds eye.  I hoped saying it aloud might quiet the movie-loop that was playing in my head.  And, I was selective about who would be on the receiving end of such graphic detail.  I sought out friends who are stoic and strong enough in character to allow me to say what I needed to say.  And they listened intently, their eyes welling up with tears as my story drew to an end.

Yes, looking back, Aaron seemed a bit more agitated than usual that morning.  Aaron woke up like he did every morning but indeed he grew more agitated as the minutes passed.

But, I still never saw that coming.

Aaron woke up at 5:00 a.m, right on time like always.  He popped right out of bed like a champ and began his normal routine of getting dressed, loading up the truck with his pool equipment and supplies, downing his bowl of oatmeal and enjoying the cup of coffee I made him that morning.  By 6:15 he should have left the house to meet his dad.  By 6:41 Aaron took his own life.  I was standing right next to him.  He never said goodbye.  I never got a chance to tell him goodbye.  And, all those who love Aaron would never get that chance either.

I know Aaron is at peace and free from the bondage that caused him so much pain. But, knowing this doesn't at all diminish the sheer pain and grief that I feel at every waking moment.  My darkest days which lasted for the good part of two weeks, I believe, are finally behind me.   Now it's just a matter of choosing to breathe when I feel like I can't.  Pretending to be whole in this life while being shattered into a million pieces.  Trying to negotiate the days in spite of my heart having been ripped out of my chest.  So you can imagine what the darkest days were like...

I grieve.  I cry.  I mourn.  I'm in disbelief.  My emotions are a roller coaster.  And, from where I sit now, I don't know how I'll ever feel better.  It doesn't seem possible.  Yet I know it is.  But, I have to choose healing over and over again.  I have to choose to fight for it.  I have to choose to overcome, and I have to choose the light over the darkness.  And, I do.  I choose life.

John 8:12  ~ When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”

From Face Book to Blogging Site

Face Book isn't a blog.  I mean, I've been using it as such but it's really where the "every day people" gather - not the mourners or those experiencing severe grief.  Face Book consists of political posts and first world problem gripes but, if you're like me, you just scroll past all that stuff until you get to a video showing puppies playing or goats jumping (goat videos are the best)!  And, I never tire of seeing my friends' vacation pictures or selfies from those I care about.  It's a quirky place, though, and everyone has an opinion about how it should be used.  Some folks never post anything because they're not "public people".  And, those same people think that pretty much everything should be kept off Face Book; those folks just wish Face Book didn't exist, I think, yet they're on it anyway judging all the "too-public" posts from those on their friends list!  Others have promoted themselves to the Face Book Police where they feel it's their job to correct everything about everyone's posts whether it's the number of times someone is posting, the general attitude of the poster, or their grammar - that's a biggie.  I've never seen the asterisk get so much attention! *you're.  *their.  *too.  Then there are those who never stop posting. Ever.

Actually, I fall into that last category.  I grew up as an only child so to have 1000 friends I can talk to at any given time?  I'm in!  But, lately I've been using Face Book as a blog.  Why?  Oh, because it has, in part, kept me alive.  I'll explain:

Writing has always been therapeutic for me.  If I'm having a bad day, I write.  If I'm having a good day, I write.  Though my sentence structure might be horrible and I love commas probably a bit too much, I still love to write.  So, when my boyfriend committed suicide on June 23, 2016, I took to Face Book immediately.  I don't do bottled up emotion very well.  The quicker I pour out my feelings, the easier I can acknowledge them, deal with them and let them dissipate.  I hear other people tell me all the time "I just go within; I'm more private".  I think the majority of people are that way.  In fact, I wish I was that way.  I've been told by a few good friends that I need to be "less public" with my life because it just gives people something to talk about.  Really?  They don't talk anyway?  Pfft!

I need to write.  I figured I'd come here, to perhaps a more conducive space to write rather than continue foaming at the mouth on Face Book.  But, I'm grateful for the friends who have read my posts, commented in support and prayed for me.  Without them, I don't think I'd be here today.

And, in my darkest hours, when I didn't have the energy to write, I prayed and it also kept me alive.   It's when we're most vulnerable that we can become prey.  I am shattered.  I am broken.  I am grief-stricken.  But, I am not prey.  

Matthew 26:41-42 ~ "Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak".  He went away a second time and prayed, “My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done.”

So, this is it. My new home where my next few posts will start from the beginning and will take my readers, of which I have none, on a journey from then until today (a month and a day later) and beyond.  I am grateful to have a place to settle down.  Home is where the blog is.