Forever Changed

When you lose someone to suicide, you’re called a “survivor”.  

I never even knew the phrase “survivor of suicide” existed prior to June 23rd of this year.   

I belong to an online support group and some put “survivor” next to their name like a post-nominal title.  Instead of seeing Jane Doe, PhD and John Smith, CPA like I’m used to seeing, I spot signature lines that read “Michelle Jones, Survivor”.   

Is that what I am? 

I’m not feelin‘ it.  

Frankly, I am not surviving Aaron’s suicide very well, at all.  It’s been a living hell.  

Destroyed by Suicide might be more like it.  Or crushed.  Or forever changed...

I can’t do a damn thing in my waking hours without having Aaron on my mind.  I’m either wishing he was with me, missing him more than I’m capable of explaining, replaying the horrific events of June 23rd, or, in moments of acceptance, I’m talking to him knowing he can see and hear me while being fully aware of the inequity of my not being able to hear or see him. 

My life and the lives of those who deeply love Aaron have been completely shaken, turned upside down and shattered into a million pieces.  Life still moves forward for everyone else, but for us we’re stuck in a time warp.  We’re stuck in a place where we can’t seem to move forward despite time whizzing by like the days are in some sort of sprint, like the end of the month is some sort of finish line.

Do suicidal people get online and become aware of the term “survivor of suicide” to describe those they’ll leave behind?  Because that term seems so....pleasant.  Like, “Oh, see?  They’ll survive without me!”  I’m used to the term “survivor” to describe people who have beat cancer.  That makes sense to me. They most likely felt broken and defeated at times by their diagnosis but they overcame.  They beat the odds!  They survived and are whole again.

I don’t feel I’ll ever feel whole again; how could I after this experience and after a loss this severe?  I’m completely broken.  I won’t always feel as broken as I am today but my heart will never be whole.  Yes, I will create a new normal.  I will carry on.  But I’ll do so carrying a void I will never be able to fill.  

I think “survivors of suicide” should describe the people who contemplate or attempt suicide and are still upright today with their hearts still beating; their family and friends still able to see them, hold them and tell them how much they are loved.  Those are the real survivors of suicide.  To describe those of us left behind as survivors?  I'm just not feelin' it.  

Signed,

Lisa Ruggiero, 

Forever Changed by Suicide