I feel like my heart has been ripped into tiny pieces of emotion, each piece baring its own label: Denial. Sadness. Depression. Despair. Betrayal. Anger.
It's that last piece - Anger - that I hate the most. It feels like an unwanted guest. I'm okay sitting with sadness...that makes sense. And, give me more moments where I just don't believe Aaron's gone; denial being the 1 or 2 minute vacation I take daily when I spray his cologne and could swear he's in the next room. Depression, while not my favorite, is my new normal. And, yes, I sometimes feel betrayal over the way Aaron left me, but sadness and depression win the emotional war so often that I forget betrayal even exists.
But that feeling of anger that washes over me and causes me to purse my lips and shake my head in disgust...
I don't like it. That can emotional piece can go straight to hell.
I do not want to be angry at the man I loved the most in the world. I just want to feel love, compassion and empathy toward him.
But, I do feel angry more than I care to admit. I feel my hands tightening over the steering wheel as I drive away from my post office with mail addressed to Aaron; mail I'll eventually give to his dad and it breaks my heart every single time. His dad doesn't want his son's mail. He wants his son.
I feel angry when I remember the promises Aaron made to me that will never be fulfilled; promises to take me back to the Grand Canyon, to ride our bikes to Zion National Park, and to be married someday. He said he would never leave me and promised to love me forever.
I'm angry that my cabin, the place to which I'd escape to rest, recharge and center myself now feels like a black hole containing a void so large that I'm almost positive it can never be filled.
I'm angry when I see his mom cry over the loss of her son. I'm angry Aaron didn't ask for help; like he was some puzzle we were just supposed to piece together and now it's like it just sits on a table unfinished....all of us feeling like failures because we didn't get it right.
But, I still can't stay angry at him for long.
I remember his green eyes that lit up with his smile, the way he would look at me when I told him I loved him and all the times he would act goofy to make me smile.
And, I remember that all I ever wanted for him was for him to be happy.
No, I don't sit with anger very long. I just love him too much. That piece of my heart that wants to surge with anger is always quickly replaced with compassion and love. It's a tradeoff that I easily make every single time. My anger piece for his emotional peace.
Love wins every time.
Showing posts with label blogging. Show all posts
Showing posts with label blogging. Show all posts
Friday, July 29, 2016
Wednesday, July 27, 2016
From the darkness....into the light
It was like being in the ocean, getting pummeled over and over again by massive, crushing waves. I had no energy to try to stay afloat nor could I - the ocean was that relentless. I couldn't breathe. Each wave came with an undercurrent that pulled me under water. I felt like I was drowning.
This was my life after I witnessed my boyfriend take his own on June 23, 2016.
On 6/23, everything that once provided me joy and comfort was stripped away. My boyfriend, who I love more than anyone on the planet, was gone. No "goodbye's". No "I love you's". Just gone and in the most sudden, violent and tragic way imaginable.
My house became a crime scene. The bedroom in which I peacefully slept for the past 15 years was the set for the horror flick that would play in my mind at every waking moment. My dogs were whisked away to be boarded for an undetermined amount of time. I was whisked away, too. For seven nights, I altnernated staying with Aaron's family or with close friends who immediately took me under their wing. I often times woke up disoriented. I lived out of a grocery bag. I got dressed in the same clothing I wore the entire day prior. I never did my hair; I don't even remember caring enough to look in the mirror.
The mornings were the worst but not in that split second where the cobwebs veiled my current reality. Instead, it was the moment the cobwebs cleared that I was catapulted back to hell on earth. For a split second things seemed normal and then I'd grieve Aaron's death, as if for the first time, all over again. It was unbearable. When my eyes opened to reality in the morning, I would immediately wish it was nighttime so I could close them again. I would only sleep for four hours a night but it was a blissful unconscious freedom. The nights were short and the days were long, though. And, I hated being awake - every waking moment felt like torture and mental anguish.
I wanted the pain to end.
And, I thought about suicide for 16 straight days after the incident. The literature says this is normal, especially after losing someone you love in the same way. But it felt far from normal to me.
When you're in a seemingly inescapable hell, you'll do anything to break free. This knowledge is why I can't stay upset with Aaron. I know his pain and torment reached a level much bigger than his ability to cope with the onslaught of his emotions. My anger toward Aaron always quickly turns to compassion.
For me, a day wouldn't go by where I wouldn't beg God to take me Home. When I wasn't negotiating with Him, I was thinking of my own exit strategy. One day the thoughts were more intense than usual - it was the first time I had been in my room since Aaron died and I had a major melt down. My friend Tresea just happened to text me as I was lying in a broken wreck on the floor, in the same spot Aaron drew his last breath. She asked me what I was doing and I texted back "In my room...I'm not doing well". She came right over and held me for over 20 minutes while I broke down in tears. I think she saved my life that morning.
But, those kinds of moments were fleeting and my thoughts to end it all were not. I have other guns in the house. I could do exactly what Aaron did and be with him and my mom. Aaron went instantly...
...Fast forward to today.
It's been a month and four days since Aaron died and here I am authoring a new blog entry. I get up and shower every morning. I wear clean clothes. I do my hair. I get outdoors to meet people for lunch and dinner. I weight train. And, I even catch myself smiling and laughing at people's jokes.
So, what happened?
The grace of God happened. I learned that grace can live in the space we call hesitiation. When someone says "I hesitated", it often carries with it a negative connotation. But that slight pause in my thoughts allowed grace and then logic to enter the picture.
I'm done, I just can't take this anymore...
...but....what would that do to Aaron's parents? - I love them so much! What would my dear friends think?; I love them so much, too! How can I be so sure things won't get better?
Those are the questions that reveal themselves in moments of grace and hesitation. Those moments that hang in the balance...those few seconds that make way for the important, logical questions to follow, I believe, keep more people alive than we'll ever know.
Looking back, I fell prey to two very big lies: 1) that I wasn't strong enough to pull through and 2) that life wasn't worth living. I knew I no longer wanted to fall prey. It was crushing my spirit; Satan was winning the battle.
So I did the only thing I could think to do.
In the early morning of July 9th, when I had finally had enough, I reached for my Bible. I retrieved some index cards and a pen out of my desk and began feverishly writing down scripture verses to help me grow stronger. On Face Book, I posted a picture of the first 5 index cards I wrote out and asked friends to comment with their favorite verses as well.
Many friends commented with verses. And, I ended up with an arsenal of scripture on which to meditate when I felt weak. A dear friend of mine would later gift me with a small photo album which included more verses in addition to sentimental photos she retrieved from my Face Book page. She left some pockets intentionally empty so I could insert my own index cards. Today, I carry this everywhere I go.
By the afternoon of July 9th, I felt free from suicidal thoughts, though I worried if they would return. They never did. I haven't had a setback since. Sure, I believe therapy helped.
But, God saved my life.
The reason this Blog is called Pray To Not Fall Prey is to honor the struggle that I went through in the early days but more importantly to serve as a reminder that praying and reading scripture was the light that penentrated the dark days. (John 1:5)
God is bigger than our doubts. He is bigger than our struggles. He is bigger than our pain. I went through 16 days of hell but I'm grateful for the experience because it has changed me for the better. I know the road toward healing still stretches out for miles and miles and there will be more lows than highs. But, not always. And, I am never alone. My friends and family provided me strength when I felt weak and God carried me when I could no longer walk.
This was my life after I witnessed my boyfriend take his own on June 23, 2016.
On 6/23, everything that once provided me joy and comfort was stripped away. My boyfriend, who I love more than anyone on the planet, was gone. No "goodbye's". No "I love you's". Just gone and in the most sudden, violent and tragic way imaginable.
My house became a crime scene. The bedroom in which I peacefully slept for the past 15 years was the set for the horror flick that would play in my mind at every waking moment. My dogs were whisked away to be boarded for an undetermined amount of time. I was whisked away, too. For seven nights, I altnernated staying with Aaron's family or with close friends who immediately took me under their wing. I often times woke up disoriented. I lived out of a grocery bag. I got dressed in the same clothing I wore the entire day prior. I never did my hair; I don't even remember caring enough to look in the mirror.
The mornings were the worst but not in that split second where the cobwebs veiled my current reality. Instead, it was the moment the cobwebs cleared that I was catapulted back to hell on earth. For a split second things seemed normal and then I'd grieve Aaron's death, as if for the first time, all over again. It was unbearable. When my eyes opened to reality in the morning, I would immediately wish it was nighttime so I could close them again. I would only sleep for four hours a night but it was a blissful unconscious freedom. The nights were short and the days were long, though. And, I hated being awake - every waking moment felt like torture and mental anguish.
I wanted the pain to end.
And, I thought about suicide for 16 straight days after the incident. The literature says this is normal, especially after losing someone you love in the same way. But it felt far from normal to me.
When you're in a seemingly inescapable hell, you'll do anything to break free. This knowledge is why I can't stay upset with Aaron. I know his pain and torment reached a level much bigger than his ability to cope with the onslaught of his emotions. My anger toward Aaron always quickly turns to compassion.
For me, a day wouldn't go by where I wouldn't beg God to take me Home. When I wasn't negotiating with Him, I was thinking of my own exit strategy. One day the thoughts were more intense than usual - it was the first time I had been in my room since Aaron died and I had a major melt down. My friend Tresea just happened to text me as I was lying in a broken wreck on the floor, in the same spot Aaron drew his last breath. She asked me what I was doing and I texted back "In my room...I'm not doing well". She came right over and held me for over 20 minutes while I broke down in tears. I think she saved my life that morning.
But, those kinds of moments were fleeting and my thoughts to end it all were not. I have other guns in the house. I could do exactly what Aaron did and be with him and my mom. Aaron went instantly...
...Fast forward to today.
It's been a month and four days since Aaron died and here I am authoring a new blog entry. I get up and shower every morning. I wear clean clothes. I do my hair. I get outdoors to meet people for lunch and dinner. I weight train. And, I even catch myself smiling and laughing at people's jokes.
So, what happened?
The grace of God happened. I learned that grace can live in the space we call hesitiation. When someone says "I hesitated", it often carries with it a negative connotation. But that slight pause in my thoughts allowed grace and then logic to enter the picture.
I'm done, I just can't take this anymore...
...but....what would that do to Aaron's parents? - I love them so much! What would my dear friends think?; I love them so much, too! How can I be so sure things won't get better?
Those are the questions that reveal themselves in moments of grace and hesitation. Those moments that hang in the balance...those few seconds that make way for the important, logical questions to follow, I believe, keep more people alive than we'll ever know.
Looking back, I fell prey to two very big lies: 1) that I wasn't strong enough to pull through and 2) that life wasn't worth living. I knew I no longer wanted to fall prey. It was crushing my spirit; Satan was winning the battle.
So I did the only thing I could think to do.
In the early morning of July 9th, when I had finally had enough, I reached for my Bible. I retrieved some index cards and a pen out of my desk and began feverishly writing down scripture verses to help me grow stronger. On Face Book, I posted a picture of the first 5 index cards I wrote out and asked friends to comment with their favorite verses as well.
Many friends commented with verses. And, I ended up with an arsenal of scripture on which to meditate when I felt weak. A dear friend of mine would later gift me with a small photo album which included more verses in addition to sentimental photos she retrieved from my Face Book page. She left some pockets intentionally empty so I could insert my own index cards. Today, I carry this everywhere I go.
By the afternoon of July 9th, I felt free from suicidal thoughts, though I worried if they would return. They never did. I haven't had a setback since. Sure, I believe therapy helped.
But, God saved my life.
The reason this Blog is called Pray To Not Fall Prey is to honor the struggle that I went through in the early days but more importantly to serve as a reminder that praying and reading scripture was the light that penentrated the dark days. (John 1:5)
Matthew 26:41-42 ~ Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.”
He went away a second time and prayed, “My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done.”
God is bigger than our doubts. He is bigger than our struggles. He is bigger than our pain. I went through 16 days of hell but I'm grateful for the experience because it has changed me for the better. I know the road toward healing still stretches out for miles and miles and there will be more lows than highs. But, not always. And, I am never alone. My friends and family provided me strength when I felt weak and God carried me when I could no longer walk.
He is a good, good Father. It's who He is.
Sunday, July 24, 2016
From Face Book to Blogging Site
Face Book isn't a blog. I mean, I've been using it as such but it's really where the "every day people" gather - not the mourners or those experiencing severe grief. Face Book consists of political posts and first world problem gripes but, if you're like me, you just scroll past all that stuff until you get to a video showing puppies playing or goats jumping (goat videos are the best)! And, I never tire of seeing my friends' vacation pictures or selfies from those I care about. It's a quirky place, though, and everyone has an opinion about how it should be used. Some folks never post anything because they're not "public people". And, those same people think that pretty much everything should be kept off Face Book; those folks just wish Face Book didn't exist, I think, yet they're on it anyway judging all the "too-public" posts from those on their friends list! Others have promoted themselves to the Face Book Police where they feel it's their job to correct everything about everyone's posts whether it's the number of times someone is posting, the general attitude of the poster, or their grammar - that's a biggie. I've never seen the asterisk get so much attention! *you're. *their. *too. Then there are those who never stop posting. Ever.
Actually, I fall into that last category. I grew up as an only child so to have 1000 friends I can talk to at any given time? I'm in! But, lately I've been using Face Book as a blog. Why? Oh, because it has, in part, kept me alive. I'll explain:
Writing has always been therapeutic for me. If I'm having a bad day, I write. If I'm having a good day, I write. Though my sentence structure might be horrible and I love commas probably a bit too much, I still love to write. So, when my boyfriend committed suicide on June 23, 2016, I took to Face Book immediately. I don't do bottled up emotion very well. The quicker I pour out my feelings, the easier I can acknowledge them, deal with them and let them dissipate. I hear other people tell me all the time "I just go within; I'm more private". I think the majority of people are that way. In fact, I wish I was that way. I've been told by a few good friends that I need to be "less public" with my life because it just gives people something to talk about. Really? They don't talk anyway? Pfft!
I need to write. I figured I'd come here, to perhaps a more conducive space to write rather than continue foaming at the mouth on Face Book. But, I'm grateful for the friends who have read my posts, commented in support and prayed for me. Without them, I don't think I'd be here today.
And, in my darkest hours, when I didn't have the energy to write, I prayed and it also kept me alive. It's when we're most vulnerable that we can become prey. I am shattered. I am broken. I am grief-stricken. But, I am not prey.
So, this is it. My new home where my next few posts will start from the beginning and will take my readers, of which I have none, on a journey from then until today (a month and a day later) and beyond. I am grateful to have a place to settle down. Home is where the blog is.
Actually, I fall into that last category. I grew up as an only child so to have 1000 friends I can talk to at any given time? I'm in! But, lately I've been using Face Book as a blog. Why? Oh, because it has, in part, kept me alive. I'll explain:
Writing has always been therapeutic for me. If I'm having a bad day, I write. If I'm having a good day, I write. Though my sentence structure might be horrible and I love commas probably a bit too much, I still love to write. So, when my boyfriend committed suicide on June 23, 2016, I took to Face Book immediately. I don't do bottled up emotion very well. The quicker I pour out my feelings, the easier I can acknowledge them, deal with them and let them dissipate. I hear other people tell me all the time "I just go within; I'm more private". I think the majority of people are that way. In fact, I wish I was that way. I've been told by a few good friends that I need to be "less public" with my life because it just gives people something to talk about. Really? They don't talk anyway? Pfft!
I need to write. I figured I'd come here, to perhaps a more conducive space to write rather than continue foaming at the mouth on Face Book. But, I'm grateful for the friends who have read my posts, commented in support and prayed for me. Without them, I don't think I'd be here today.
And, in my darkest hours, when I didn't have the energy to write, I prayed and it also kept me alive. It's when we're most vulnerable that we can become prey. I am shattered. I am broken. I am grief-stricken. But, I am not prey.
Matthew 26:41-42 ~ "Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak". He went away a second time and prayed, “My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done.”
So, this is it. My new home where my next few posts will start from the beginning and will take my readers, of which I have none, on a journey from then until today (a month and a day later) and beyond. I am grateful to have a place to settle down. Home is where the blog is.
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