The Relationship Status

Aaron was a little upset that I didn’t change my relationship status on Face Book when we first started dating.  I sheepishly admitted that I was superstitious about it.  Seemingly, the changing of my relationship status was the catylist for breaking up and then I'd suffer the embarrassment of changing my status back to “single”.   Why do I do this to myself time and again?!  I vowed with the last break up that I’d not touch that stupid status button.   

I didn't change my profile picture to one of us together, either.  Aaron did so almost immediately but I used the excuse that Face Book is a platform to promote my business.  "I'm branding myself" I told him.  

Then one day I realized I wasn’t changing my picture or my status out of fear.  

I’ve dated a lot since my divorce in 2001 and my friends tell me I could write a book about my experiences.  To say that I’ve had a rough go of it would be putting it mildly.  My dating life has been disastrous and everyone knows it, whether via the stupid Face Book relationship-status-thing or my big mouth because clearly, I’m no introvert.  With each failed relationship I felt like a giant spotlight illuminated my brokenness, messiness...my singleness.    

Do they think it’s me?  I know they think something is wrong with me....

No doubt I was skeptical about my ability to have a lasting relationship and there was just no way in hell I was going to change my profile picture to one of us together or change my status.  It just wasn’t happening.  I was protecting myself from the plight of having to change all that back when our relationship crashed and burned.  I had enough egg on my face already, I concluded.

But, then, I threw caution to the wind.  I knew my relationship with Aaron was different.  He complimented me more than anyone I have ever been with in my entire life.  Not a day passed where he didn’t tell me I was beautiful, called me his “rock star” or asked how he got so lucky to be with me.  He told me every day how much he loved me and how much he missed me when we were apart.  And, I felt all that about him in return.  I have finally found The One.

I updated my profile picture to one of us together a long time ago.  But, it was just mere weeks ago that I changed my status to “In a Relationship with Aaron McDonald”.  The post erupted with sarcastic responses like “Oh, you don’t say?” or “Really? I would have never guessed!”  Admittedly, it was funny.  Even Aaron poked fun commenting "we've been together 9 months, pretty sure you all know we're toether!"  Secretly, he was happy about it.   The entire post brought a smile to my face and made me giggle the way I always could at myself.  I knew the post made me look silly but I didn’t care.  

But, I still defended myself against the sarcasm of having changed my status so late in the game!  I hit the like button on each sarcastic response, albeit with an occassional eye-roll.  I commented on a few posts here and there.  Finally I made a comment that would catch Aaron’s attention.  I wrote “Changing my relationship status on FB has always been the kiss of death!”  

....the kiss of death.  

Let that just sink in for a minute....

Aaron texted me immediately after that comment posted.   “OMG....stop saying it’s a kiss of death!”   I didn’t apologize.  I simply responded “I’m just sayin’...that’s what it has been!”  

After that text exchange, I hid the entire post thread from my Timeline, weary from the sarcasm and attention it was bringing; it was good enough for me knowing I had made the change.

My profile picture is still one of Aaron and I together.  Face Book still shows that I’m in a relationship with him.  Yet every morning I wake up by myself. I have coffee by myself.  I eat every meal here at my house by myself.  I walk the dogs alone.  I watch TV alone.  I drive to Aaron’s parent’s house alone.  I go to sleep every night alone.

My relationship status has changed.  Everyone knows it.  And, yet I can’t bring myself to change it on Face Book back to single.  

Not yet.