Ironic Twist of Fate

I missed a lot of signs.  

But at the time they didn’t seem like signs.  Instead they felt like individual pieces to a jigsaw puzzle that begged to find their place.  Some pieces were quite heavy for their size.  Others were a bit ill-fitting.  Regardless, I held each one in my hand and I either justified it  - I can’t blame him for being stressed about finances...I would be, too.  Or, I quickly labelled it, like in instances when my friends texted me in the middle of a storm  - “high-drama...text u tmrw”.  Or I’d dismiss it - he’s only been in the pool business one month...things will get better.

Things never got better.  

So, what signs did I miss?  

Some were easily excusable like his insomnia.  Aaron crawled into bed with his cell phone every night and I was certain that’s why he couldn’t sleep.  I’d later learn insomnia, as well as getting too much sleep, is a sign of depression.  Other signs were less subtle like his incessant fidgeting.  With the ball of his foot planted firmly on the ground, he’d rapidly bounce his heel up and down in the air forcing his entire leg to submit to a punishing jitter.  In the movie theater, he’d cause our entire row of seats to shake.  Restlessness is another sign of depression; it’s tension in the body aching for an escape route.  

He lost interest in activities he previously loved like running, heading out on exploration trips across the state and taking photographs and posting them to photography websites, often earning him various photography awards. 

Aaron had very happy, energetic days followed by the lowest of low days.  He struggled to find happiness at work no matter if it was at the dealership or in the pool business.  Gratitude eluded him; he was seemingly blinded to any positive occurrences in his day. 

The signs just seemed to slip through my hands. They sometimes pretended to find their righteous place in the puzzle.  And, even when they didn't it was no harm, no foul as those pieces were set aside.

When I looked at Aaron I saw a handsome, strong, bright, successful young man.  When he looked in the mirror I believe he saw his mistakes, his fears, his doubts, his lack of self-worth and his misfortunes.  

And, I believe he saw no hope.

“To live without hope is to cease to live” ~ Fyodor Dostoyevsky

I’ve started this blog a dozen times but always quit out of fear that I might be dishonoring Aaron by talking so intimately about his symptoms.  But, I kept coming back to when I was a cop, how we’d reap the benefits of training that stemmed from other officer’s poor tactics on the street.  The officer-safety value of the training always outweighed the proverbial spotlight on the officer whose tactics prompted the refresher training; the highest good always prevailed.  It is my deepest intention that this blog reaches the right person at the right time.  It’s my belief that in some cases, suicide can be prevented.  It is my mission to be a crusader against the stigma of depression, its diagnosis and its treatment.  It is my daily prayer that there will be beauty from ashes.  It is my wish that no one misses the signs from their loved ones.

I missed all of them.  

And in an ironic twist of fate, every day I ask him to send me signs.

http://ed.ted.com/lessons/what-is-depression-helen-m-farrell