The Letter Z

He is the first one listed in my contacts on my iPhone.  

His last name is followed by the emoticon with the two pink hearts - the one with the heart on the bottom and the smaller one just above it, to the right.  It’s my favorite; they’re the happiest of hearts.

Yet, it feels like a punch in the stomach every time I see his name: Aaron McDonald

I can’t ignore it.  But I can’t call him.  I can’t email him.  I can’t text him.  All I can do is stare at his name in disbelief that I can’t talk to him or see him ever again.

It's the same feeling I got when constantly faced with our last text message string on my phone.  Being slightly Type A, I delete texts to keep my text screen clear and tidy.  But, I was careful not to delete that last thread between me and Aaron.  It was a short conversation (given my propensity to continually clear messages) but it was the last one I had.  It took place June 22nd while I was having dinner with Staci at True Food Kitchen and he headed out to his friend’s house.  

“I’m headed to Damon’s but I’m fine.  I’m 100% fine" he texted while I sat at the dinner table.  The part about him being "fine" was out of the blue like it always was every time he would say or text something like that.   “So happy you’re visiting Damon...plz tell him hi!”, I typed back, ignoring the "fine" part knowing that this theme would repeat throughout the evening, his words and pixilated texts sure to leave me confused and anxious.

His text made me feel sick to my stomach.  I knew this was just the beginning of a very volitile situation; I knew he wasn't doing well.  Exasperated, I looked up from my phone to Staci and confided, “this is what he does....he says he’s fine but a storm is coming.  I just don't think he's happy.”

I hated that text string. 

Sure, it contained a few normal sentences here and there but mostly it consisted of the all-too-familiar discussion where Aaron pretended everything was okay when I knew damn well it wasn't.  It made me anxious every time I saw it.  And, sad.  Mostly sad.   

So one day I just simply deleted it.  Unceremoniously and without much thought...I swiped left, hit delete and it was gone.  Forever.   I don't regret it.  

Like that text string, my mood often lowers when I see Aaron's name in my contacts every single time I pull up that screen.  Sadly it does remind me a little of the confusing and manic text messages he'd send me. Plus it's a bummer that it just sits there....unused, as a reminder that things never did get better like I hoped.   

But, I don't have it in me to delete his contact card.  Not yet.  Though, I recognize I can't get sucker punched by it every time I stare at my contact screen.  So I pulled up my contacts, my heart dropping when I saw his name even though I was prepared.  I cliked on his name, hit "edit" and while in that mode, I placed a letter "Z" before his name.  I hit save.  I pulled the main contact screen up again and saw Aimee K.F as the first name listed.

I smiled.  My contact screen was nuetralized.  I feel no guilt in that.  I'm still here and I have to take care of me.  Aaron will be forever and always in my heart.  But, in my phone he's 'ZAaron' and frankly, I think he thinks it's hilarious.