I Stand Accused

“That doesn’t sound right.  Someone needs to look into that further....”

Matt’s friend spewed that sentiment after the explaination of the incident involving Matt's brother.  The discussion took place not long after Aaron took his life.  Matt was upset by it.

I was shocked.

I never imagined there would be speculation.  Yet literally, just some random (to me, anyway) guy in Illinois arrogantly dismissed the incident as a suicide, and effectively deemed it a homicide.

And, he made me the suspect.

I’m angry about it, still.  I don’t think about it that often, but when I do it’s a bitter pill to swallow.  My jaw clenches, my teeth grind, my face twists into a scowl and I want to punch holes in walls and scream until I lose my voice.   

Does this jack off even know Matt's brother?!  Was he here to manage the moods that covered Aaron like dark clouds drifting above depending upon which way the wind blew?  Was he here that morning?     

No.  He wasn’t.  But, I stand accused.

And, Matt’s friend isn’t the only one.

I’d eventually tell this story to Aaron’s best friend, Damon and his girlfriend.  “Oh, yeah, I’ve heard that too....you know how some cops can be”, Damon replied.

(What?!  Are you kidding me?)

Damon knows and works around a lot of police officers.  And that day over lunch, I'd learn that one of them suggested to him that perhaps things aren't what they appear.   Someone who wears the same uniform I wore for 25 years....someone I call family even if we don't personally know each other....

...one of my own judged me.  I stand accused.

But, I think I played it cool that day...hiding from Damon my sadness, confusion, anger.   Jaw clenched.  Teeth grinding...

But I couldn't help but wonder how many more brothers or sisters in blue suspect me in a homicide?

I don’t know.  

I wish I did.  I wish I could meet those who question the incident and explain with such grave detail the events that occurred so that they too might see it in their minds eye every single day like I do.  But that's a burden I've only placed on people who got paid to listen to me.

So I'm silenced.  And, I stand accused.   Jaw clenched, teeth grinding...face twisted in a scowl.

But, with my next deep inhale, I remember the countless friends who reached out to me in support; those who have poured so much love into me that my darkest days turned to light. You who are reading this - who cheer me on, encourage me and remind me that I'm never alone.  You bring me back to center.

And, with that, my jaw releases its tension, a space gives way between my teeth and my face softens as I drop to my knees in deepest gratitude that God has blessed me with the most amazing group of friends on the planet. I get up off my knees.

And, I stand....loved.