You know how when you’re having a really bad day and you just can’t wait for it to be over?
The year 2016 is like that for me.
Was the *entire* year bad? No. I retired from an amazing law enforcement career and embarked on my dream of competing in a fitness competition. Aaron and I enjoyed motorcycle rides, trips to the cabin and we were planning a Fall vacation - we were thinking Hawaii.
I see the posts on Face Book encouraging people to not be so hard on 2016. Some posts strive to stir people to enlightenment by encouraging their readers to post something positive that happened this past year.
I can’t bring myself to comment.
Just as too much salt ruins a perfectly good pot of sauce, extreme tragedy overshadows the good times - a tough place to be in a society where we’re constantly reminded to focus on the positive, to always be thankful. In my darkest days, I was overcome by thoughts of suicide along with images that played in my mind on a relentless loop. If someone would have told me to find something for which to be grateful, I might have launched a heavy object in their direction. I was not well. Being grateful for say actually brushing my teeth at some point during the day would make my breath less offensive but it wasn’t going to do shit to improve mood.
Just one split second in 2016 caused all that.
But, a lot can happen in such a small increment of time - an instant, really. A blink of an eye.
One thousand one...
...the gun went off. He found peace. I was swallowed by darkness.
One second out of the 31,557,000 seconds that comprised the year 2016 was all it took to make it the worst year of my life. I can’t fathom how anything could be worse than breathing the same air as your loved one as he commits suicide. God help me if I’m wrong.
Gratitude, the feel-good serum that helps people elevate to a higher energy, wasn’t even possible for me for the first few weeks. In my experience, it actually takes an already healthy mind to practice gratitude. Something bigger than gratitude kept me alive until the perpetual darkness subsided...
...my faith in God. And, hope that things would get better.
Sure, eventually, I felt grateful - I had the support of amazing friends, my appetite finally returned and eventually I could lay down in my bed and close my eyes without opening them every 3 seconds to stare at the spot where Aaron fell.
But, gratitude doesn’t outweigh the desolation of 2016.
And, I just can’t wait for the year to be over. I don’t think that makes me ungrateful.
I think it just makes me someone who’s anxious to be inside of a year that has some hope and promise.
Besides, I’ve always loved New Years. Yeah, some preach that if you want to make changes, don't wait for the New Year. “Take action NOW”, their words angrily spilling into their live Face Book feed.
I get it. New Years isn’t a potion that magically changes anything from December 31st to January 1st.
Let them preach. As for me, I’m grabbing a soft throw blanket, a warm cup of coffee and I’m hunkering down...riding out the year until 2017 arrives. If you’ve had to fight and crawl your way out of 2016, feel free to do the same. If you want the symbolism of the New Year to start your weight loss program, increase sales in your business, embark on your dream...then wait. Ignore the static. Let the rats race. Life is meant to ebb and flow.
...even a delicious pasta sauce takes a long time to cook.
To my readers who I love so much, have a safe and happy New Year.
And, may there not be too much salt in the sauce.
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ReplyDeleteI'm not sure who this is but thank you so much for your reply. Thanks especially for your prayers. I strongly believe each and every one has helped. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
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DeleteSurvivors such as you are the strongest people I've ever known. Stay strong for 2017!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much!!!!
Deleteyou ARE such an inspiration...not only to me but to many many others who've struggled with grief or depression...to stay focused, to continue breathing, to continue putting just that one step in front of the other...you can't snap out of it overnight. it takes as long as it takes...like that great "sauce" it can't be hurried.
ReplyDeleteThere's definitely no snapping out of it. But, once I did, I couldn't wait to get as far away from "it" as possible. I'm so happy tomorrow is 2017. So relieved. I know nothing will change. Aaron won't come back. I'm still glad to see 2016 go....
DeleteLisa, you have come so far. I can tell in your writing that you are in a better place mentally and I know you've worked at it. I too am ready for this year to be over, too much tragedy in our little community and it had been so difficult for me. We had 3 people I personally know leave us by suicide and each one has made an impact on me. I look forward to a better 2017. Thank you for sharing your process and thoughts, it's brave and I hope, somehow therapeutic for you. Here's to a great new year, for all of us.
ReplyDeleteThank you Teresa! I can tell I'm doing much better the less I write, actually. Friends tell me to write about every day stuff that happens in my day but....I don't think others would find that too riveting. lol. I too look forward to a better 2017. I can feel a shift....for the better and I hope I'm right. Thank you for being so supportive <3
DeleteI have wanted to reply to every blog Lisa has wrote but never find the words. Your words are perfect. We all grieve as we lose those closest to us no matter how the loss comes about. Every heart still beats with the pain of loss no matter the cause of death. Circumstances of death I believe are each different for each person. I still replay in my mind when a family member told my brother as she was dying that it was ok. I still replay in my head after 5 years my brother sobbing and her telling him she was going to be ok though she knew she would not survive the next few days. I truly believe God gives those who are dying a sense of peace. We that are left here will never recieve until we are in that moment. I know a young man that was also a preacher who took his own life leaving behind 4 children. His best friend cannot fathom why. I told him I do not doubt that before he took his life he told God he was coming home. Again, I believe God is with those that are facing death no matter what the circumstance is. And then we are left here to greave. Left to wonder the how, the why, the what if. It is not for us to understand. It is for God and for the person we greave to have the answers. Each loss is a loss for us but each circumstance of death is what makes it so different for us. I pray for Lisa and Aaron's family for strength and that they smile one time each day because where there is deep grief, there was great love. I truly believe your blog is helping people in situations of grief Lisa. No matter what the circumstance of death is . May God continue to heal you and to put the words in your heart so you can put them to your pen, and then to your paper. God Bless you as he uses you ❤
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your reply, Jenny <3 So sorry for your loss as well. Any loss is so tragic. And, you're right about everyone being so different in how they deal with it. Aaron's parents lost the same person I did and we're all almost polar opposite in how we're dealing with everything. No right or wrong. Just different (that might be an entry in and of itself...just because it's an important thing to convey). Anyway, thank you for such kind words. I sincerely appreciate your support and taking the time to send me a note. :) Thanks also for the lovely prayer. xo
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ReplyDeleteI come back to these. I read and the re-read... and think and feel...
ReplyDeleteEven as one of your closest friends I could not and still cannot imagine the depth of everything you went through and are still working through.
I love you - and a piece of my heart will always ache for you.
Glen